Engrish, part 1

Do you like funny misspellings?  If you do there are some great websites that chronicle bad translation.  Engrish.com is one of them.

We laugh nearly every day at some funny misuse of English.  Sometimes you just scratch your head.  Here is one great example.

Isn't that an oxymoron?

The Guinea Pig on a Leash

On a walk this morning we saw the man walking his guinea pig again!  The guinea pig is mostly white with some light brown patches and one big black patch that runs around the back of his head.  It looks like a helmet.  My first impression was that this was a "special" guinea pig.

Kelli asked the owner for the pet's name.  "Kuro" he said.  As soon as we got home Kelli looked it up on the dictionary.  One meaning is "black hat."

Sometimes you see the strangest things in life.  Who knew that a guinea pig named Black Hat would be such a source of amusement.

Yukata

This week we didn't have much chance to study Japanese, so we convinced our tutor to have dinner with us and then teach us how to wear our yukata.  A yukata is a light robe, a lot like a kimono, but not as heavy.  Men and women wear yukatas in the summer time.  We had a chance to see many families dressed in their yukatas.  The little kids were unbelievably cute.

I don't think any style of dress looks as elegant as a kimono.  A kimono is modest yet feminine.  It can be a work of art.  It can cost as much as a work of art.

A few weeks ago I saw an obi that was $450.  I found out that is cheap.  A friend of a friend bought an obi for $10,000 dollars!  That is the most expensive belt I've ever heard of.  And that was just the obi.

Saturday I saw some kimonos and obis in that price range.  I've never seen a price tag with 1,000,000,000 on it before.  Now I have.  On a silk yukata.  It was extraordinarily beautiful.  But the price was out of this world.  Can you imagine spending $10,000 on one item of clothing?  And then you still have to buy the rest of the outfit.  No thanks.

I'll stick with my $15 cotton yukata that I got off of the clearance rack.

Funny story.  My  belt isn't actually tied.  The knot is permanent and it velcros down.  I bought the equivalent of a yukata clip-on tie!  What a nerd.

Foreigners (gaijin)

I mentioned being aliens before.  I also brought up the Japanese word gaijin (foreigner) and that once gaijin, always gaijin.

Being gaijin is a double edged sword.  The downside is that you are like a walking zoo exhibit.  Nothing is better for your ego than frightening small children just by walking down the same aisle at the grocer store.  Except maybe having kids laugh at you hysterically for no apparent reason. 

It's not just kids.  Many adults will stare too.  You can read the looks on their faces. "Why is that guy here?"  "He must be an English teacher."  "What the...?"  and my personal favorite is the unabashed, full on double take.

The effect increases with the number of gaijin.  If you are alone, people tend to glance your way for a few seconds, then go on about their business.  If you get four gaijin in the same grocery store people have a much harder time hiding their reactions.  It's like an alien invasion (no, the alien puns will never get old for me).

Now I'm the sort of guy who likes to blend in.  I'd rather not draw attention to myself nor be the center of attention.  Good choice of countries to move to, eh?

So, the blank stares, children hiding behind their mothers' legs, the raucous laughter do have an upside:  we're gaijin.  We're not expected to get it.  Japan is a very polite society.  Half--if not more-- of my vocabulary is made up of polite greetings, requests, apologies, ways to dismiss myself, and pre-meal gratefulness.  There are phrases for all sorts of contexts and situations and I don't know the half of them.  Thankfully I'm not expected to.  Being a bearded white guy peoples' social expectations of me are very low. 

It's like a get out of alien quarantine free card.  Sort of.  See, the leeway we're granted is also sort of a dismissal.  When people say "He's gaijin," to themselves it's like us saying "Bless his heart."  Every day when I stumble through saying "osaki ni shitsurei shimasu (excuse my rudeness for interrupting you by leaving), it's like everyone in the room says to themselves, "He sure butchered that, bless his heart."

It can be a horribly awkward and isolating place to be in society.  Being able to laugh at yourself goes a long way.  It also helps that so many people are genuinely kind.  They help you figure out what you need.  They are patient when they ask you a question and all you can do is smile and shrug.

Do me a favor.  Next time you meet a foreigner, be the person who makes a good impression.  Be the person who comes to mind when they go back home and tell their friends how nice Americans are.  Take some time to get to know them, to help them, to learn a few words in their language.  If you feel awkward trying, just imagine how it feels for them without you.

Potty Talk

Today it's time for some potty talk.  Now before you get the soap to wash my mouth out, I literally mean talking about toilets.

Toilets here are either better than American toilets, or a huge step down, literally.

First the bad news: many older buildings have squat toilets.  To make the bad news worse, every school I work in is an old building.  Of all the luck.

Now for the good news.  Imagine it is January and your house is cool.  You need to go to the bathroom.  You drop your long underwear, take a deep breath, brace your self for it....and then plunk down on the ice cold toilet seat.  Not here, my friends.  Here toilet seats are heated.  So far every western style toilet I have used has had a thermostat built in.  Heated seats are not the only perk. 

At a roadside rest stop the toilet seat had a thermostat, a bidet, bidet temperature controls, and an emergency call button in case an elderly person needed help.  All the buttons were on a little arm rest that folded up and down.  It looked like the control panel for the starship Enterprise.  There were other buttons, but they were written in Japanese, so I have no idea what they did.  Every button I just listed I was able to figure out from the pictures. Yep, I was able to figure out the bidet from the button.  You don't want to go blindly pushing buttons.  You might end up with water making a surprise attack from the rear (or on the rear) while a bathroom attendant comes to see if you are okay.  It was the first time I've ever been intimidated by a toilet.  The worst thing was that in all those buttons I couldn't find the flush.  I spent a two good minutes looking at the toilet, at the top and sides of the tank, every button on that TI-83 scientific calculator of a toilet controller.  I couldn't find it anywhere!  Finally, dejected and defeated I felt I only had two options left.  The first option: I could press the emergency help button.  I went with option two, which was to leave the stall and head for the exit as fast as I could before anyone else tried to use that stall.

Before you get too jealous of heated toilet seats, let me temper your enthusiasm.  Let's just say that if you want to drive a Cadillac, you have to pay for it.  At the hardware store, the basic heated toilet seat costs $80 bucks.  They run all the way up to $250.

The temptation during this email to add puns and jokes was monumental.  I'm sure you thought of a few yourself.  Feel free to post them in the comments.  If you start posting toilet puns, I'll post all the ones I ommited.

The Small Things: Groceries

Life can be stressful.  Sometimes the only joys are the ones you look for.  Always keep an eye out for the small things.

In Japanese grocery stores there is the equivalent of an American deli, except the food is awesome.  Whenever you buy bento (to go food) the cashier asks if you want hashi (chopsticks).

Today I walked to the grocery store after school.  We needed bread, eggs, and syrup.  I grabbed a four pack of yogurt too.  After I checked out I started to bag my groceries, and in my basket was something odd.  I reached in and grabbed it.  It was a bundle of plastic spoons!  I couldn't help but laugh.  That wasn't just yogurt, that was yogurt to go.  Who is in such a hurry to eat a four pack of yogurt they can't wait to get home?

Cast Iron Pictures

We went back to the festival as promised; unfortunately we forgot to take a camera yet again.  Wow.  It's a good thing I'm blogging, because we're not doing a good job of chronicling our adventures.

While you won't get to see tons of cast iron, we took pictures of what we bought.  Kelli and I both are looking forward to passing our cast iron pans on to our kids.  What an inheritance, huh?  Some parents give money, some parents give old rustic cookware.  At least we don't have to worry about our kids trying to knock us off just so they can make out like bandits.

The pot on the right is a more traditional style.  The one on the right left was less traditional, but we liked it.  The pot on the right was made by Oigen.  You can find their stuff online.  They make the Nakedpan.  It is worth checking out the link.  It has some video of the foundry, which is in our hometown!

The little guy is going to be a Christmas ornament.

And that is our hotpad.  Seeing some of the craftsmanship inspired the same kind of awe as the nebuta.

Now I'll just have to wait for the sword-makers festival so I can buy a katana.  Oh wait, there isn't a sword-makers festival.  Dang.  Maybe I'll just have to buy a gensu knife and cut cans in half.

Cast Iron

Our town is made up of five wards.  One of them is known for it's beef.  One is known for it's cast iron.  Today and tomorrow is the annual cast iron festival.  The local casters get together and sell their stuff at a discount.  As usual, we forgot to take a camera.  We plan to go back tomorrow and take some pictures.

The range of cast iron products was impressive.  At the low end of the scale were bells and paper weights for about two or three dollars.  At the other end of the spectrum were kettles and hibachi for $2,000.  There were well over a hundred kettles that cost over one hundred dollars.  Fortunately there were also some very nice kettles and pans for around 30 to 60 dollars.  We couldn't decide, so when we go back tomorrow we'll pick a kettle.

Seeing all of the cast iron was a little bit like seeing the nebuta floats.  The artistry is very impressive.  If you google "Iwate cast iron" you will see some of the things we saw today.

This sort of thing is what traveling is all about.  Seeing culture through art and industry is humbling.  The hibachi I saw today were almost identical to the ones in the ancient samurai houses that we visited, made with the same techniques.  Maybe the lady I met today who invented a clever double pan with removable handles is the great granddaughter of the artisan who made the kettle hanging over the fireplace in the old samurai house.  People get old and die.  But we can pass on knowledge and beliefs and stories for as long as there are people willing to learn.  That's pretty cool.

I'm glad I know women teaching young women how to sew.  I'm glad I had to study old dusty books that have been read for thousands of years.  Next time you see a survey crew working on the highway, remember that engineers were designing roads before English ever came into being.

It's pretty neat. 

Are you bored?  Maybe next time I won't be all philosophical.  I'll just post pretty pictures. 

Mold

If mold had a motto it would be "Mold: It's everywhere."  I've never lived in a humid climate before.  I can already tell I prefer dry climates.

June and early July are uki or rainy season.  Unfortunately the humidity won't fade with the rain clouds.  It will just get hotter and more humid.

The problem with humidity is that skin becomes adhesive.  I feel like a walking Post-It note.  I'm just sticky enough to be noticeable.  Carrying a small towel in your pocket is common for two reasons.  First to dry your hands in the bathroom. Second, you need the towel to mop sweat off your face.  People carry fans too.  The first time I saw a man unfold his fan I was surprised.  Then I saw fifteen year old boys with Hello Kitty fans and Winnie the Pooh fans.  I thought those were the tough kids.

But I'm digressing from mold.  It is so humid that the shower never dries out, even with the windows open.  What do you find growing every week? "Mold: Nature's chia pet."  What happens when you don't keep dehumidifiers in your closet?  "Musty mold smell.  Not nearly as nice as Chanel #5."  What happens to leather shoes left in a cupboard for a month?  Mold.  "Mold: it gets old."  The drain in the sink lifts out so you can clean the strainer.  I was returning the strainer to the sink when I noticed how much gunk had gotten through the strainer.  I stuck a finger in.

Some people, it should be noted, gag at the drop of a hat.  The slightest hint of a poop story or a barf anecdote, and they are already in the bathroom hovering head down over the sink.  While I find these people entertaining to torture, I am not one of them.

Meanwhile back at the sink, I stuck my finger into the goop.  It was mostly mold.  Bleh.  I almost gagged.

Last week we had a slug in our shower.  We're not how he got there.  We poured a little bleach into all of the water fixtures just to help ward off slugs and mold.

I'm not sure where we will find mold growing next, but I am sure of one thing.  "Bleach is a man's best friend."

Happy 4th!

Happy Fourth of July to all of you back in the States!  Surprisingly, the Fourth isn't a big holiday here.  Go figure.

Our Independence Day has turned out to be similar to one back home.  He went hiking all morning.  Now we're getting ready for a barbecue.  Kelli will be eating her fill of salmon, which costs about one third as much as it does in Colorado.  I'll be eating yakitorii which is chicken kababs.  We made salsa and bought some sparklers.  We're ready to party.

The hike was nice.  The rainy season has turned the trail into a steep muddy mess.  We had mud up to our knees by the time we finished.  One strange thing was how loud the forest is.  There is a constant drone of birds and bugs.  With the number of mosquitoes attacking us, we thought we'd be covered in bites from head to toe, but it's not too bad.  Maybe our blood doesn't taste too good.

Japan doesn't really have an Independence Day.  They have existed more or less as a people for two thousand years or more.  Only one foreign power has ever occupied their territory for very long....  A local festival in our town has been going on for 400 years in memorial of a large fire.  About the time America was first being settled by Europeans, people were commemorating a town blaze.  We come from a young mixing pot of a country.

To all you people back home, have a happy Fourth!  Savor those bratwurst and that potato salad.  Celebrate the American way: blow stuff up!

Roadkill

Before we left Colorado, between Durango and Pagosa you would see at least eight dead animals on the side of the road.  In a one hour drive you would see at least that many dead deer and elk.  That's a lot of carnage.

Well, roadkill happens here too.  The largest thing I've seen is a raccoon type animal, and I've only seen two of those, but that doesn't mean there isn't road kill.

To get to work I have to walk for ten minutes.  In that ten minute walk I saw three dead....caterpillars.  Those little guys are everywhere right now.  Sunday I saw one crawling across the road and was so surprised I almost swerved to miss it.  On that narrow mountain road we probably would've died in a fiery car crash.  Can you imagine trying to explain that one?  Hi Saint Peter. We died in a car wreck. How did we wreck? Uh...I swerved to miss an animal.  What animal?  Hmmmm...

There are TONS of caterpillars.  I saw three dead caterpillars and four still crawling away.  We went for a walk in a park Monday and saw over a dozen.

I can't wait to see what other creatures are cruising around.